Every week we send out a free eBlast to thousands of subscribers that tells about upcoming events in the 120 or so different ethnic groups represented in Cleveland and Northeast Ohio.
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When the Coronavirus hit, events were cancelled, except for a handful of virtual events. So we evolved the eNews to include some interesting facts about our multicultural city. We also added a joke about being quarantined.
Of course we realized the severity of the pandemic and did not want to diminish the deaths and suffering that many were enduring by joking.
But the feedback was overwhelming. People enjoyed the puns and asked for more. Many still write each week and ask us to continue and ask to reprint some in their newsletters, bulletins and so on. So we have continued them.
So here are many of the (hopefully) funny lines we have been sending every week.
Subscribers know that we start the eNews with "Here's what's happening."
So we began the March 17th eNews with "Here's what's happening. Absolutely nothing. Stay healthy."
Next week we started off: "Here's what's happening. Absolutely Nothing. Stay Home. But as the joke says, when this is over we are throwing the biggest St. Patrick's Easter de Mayo of July party anyone's ever seen."
Next week we asked: "You think dogs are hard to train? Look at all the humans who can't sit and stay." and continued with:
Then we tried something new and skipped the virus jokes and tried some nationality humor.
- What types of jokes are allowed during quarantine? Inside jokes! (ba-dum bum)
- I'll tell you a coronavirus joke now, but you'll have to wait two weeks to see if you got it.
- Did you hear the joke about the germ? Never mind, I don't want to spread it around.
- What do you call panic-buying of sausage and cheese in Germany? The wurst kase scenario.
- The grocery stores in France look like tornadoes hit them. All that's left is de brie.
- Have you seen the Where's Waldo book Coronavirus edition? It's very easy to spot Waldo. He's the only one there due to social distancing.
- It's like being 16 again - gas is cheap and I'm grounded.
- I washed my hands so much that my exam cheat notes from 1995 resurfaced.
- In an unsettling reversal of my teenage years I am now yelling at my parents for going out.
- John Travolta was hospitalized for a suspected Coronavirus. But doctors soon realized that it was only a Saturday Night Fever and he will be Staying Alive.
- ALERT! The corona virus can be spread through money. If you have any money at home, put on some gloves, put all the money in a plastic bag and put it outside the front door tonight. I'm collecting all the plastic bags tonight for safety. No need to thank me.
- The World Health Organization has stated that animals can't get Corona virus and that all dogs in quarantine should be released. So, wait for it, WHO let the dogs out!
- How to avoid the corona-virus? Eat garlic. Lots of garlic. It won't do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people at least 6' away
- If you liked these corona virus jokes, please laugh into your elbow.
Our Scottish Ambassador Margaret Frost contributed these Scottish jokes.
- I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan Island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
- Did you know that a grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
- What nationality is Santa Claus? North Polish.
- Which Nationality always gets locked out of their house? Italians because they always have gnocchis.
- What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.
- Why do the French eat snails? They don't like fast food.
- What do you call a Filipino contortionist? A Manila folder.
- An American, a Vietnamese, a Mexican, a Brazilian, a Canadian, a German, a Turk, a Pole, a Croatian, a Slovenian, a Korean, a Chinese, an Indian, an Irishman, an Italian and a Russian walk into a fancy restaurant. When they got to the front desk, they were kicked out. Why? Because they did not have a Thai.
- Someone from an island in the Mediterranean asked me if I could guess their ethnicity... ...I said Corsican.
- Q: Why do Swedish battleships have barcodes on them? A: So that when they come into port, they can Scandinavian.
- Q: Why do Indians love New York? A: Because there's a Delhi on every block.
- Q: What do Koreans eat in America? A: Seoul Food
- A guy loves telling jokes about Scandinavians. One day, his friend tells him, "You need to stop making jokes about Scandinavians. You're coming across as racist." "Well, what kind of jokes should I tell instead?" asks the first guy. "Tell jokes about generically ethnic people. That way, no one will be offended." "All right." A few days later, the first guy tells his friend, "Hey, I have my first 'generic ethnic' joke!" "Awesome," says the friend. "Let's hear it!" "So there are two generically ethnic guys named Lars and Sven....."
- There are ten coos (cows) in a field. Which one is closest to Iraq? Coo eight.
- Of course, many nationalities have been accused of being, uh, frugal, but Margaret sent this so the Scots are the friendly target this time. A Scotsman, and Irishman and an Englishman had dinner together. When the waiter came with the check, the Scotsman promptly said, "Give me that, I'll pay."ť Next day the local paper carried the headline "English Ventriloquist Murdered in Restaurant."
- A Scotsman complained to a magazine that if they didn't stop printing Scottish jokes, he wouldn't borrow their magazine to read anymore.
Back to the Pundemics!
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- I really appreciate the mask that grandma made me but it's basically a lace doily and not going to prevent anything!
- Sounds like thunder outside but the way 2020 has been it could be Godzilla.
- What your pets think about quarantine. Dogs think "They love me soooo much they quit their jobs to be with me!" Cats think "I knew those idiots would get fired one day."
- Have you seen the historic photo going around the Internet? It's a photo of people eating in a full restaurant. It's from 2019.
- Because of Covid-19 the National Spelling Bee has been cancil.. cancul… cansel… It's been called off.
- News Flash. Sticking your tongue on a bug zapper will cure the virus. It was on the Internet so it must be true.
- So in retrospect, in 2015, not a single person got the answer right to the question "Where do you see yourself in 5 years?"
- I am done with my trial subscription of 2020. How do I cancel my membership?
- One reader wrote how it's been a real blessing to be at home with the spouse these last few months. They've caught up on everything he/she has done wrong in the last 20 years.
- So let me get this straight. There's no cure for a virus that can be killed by sanitizer and hand soap?
- Let's think positive. Remember Rapunzel was quarantined and met her future husband.
- How long is this social distancing supposed to last? My spouse keeps trying to come into the house.
- The spread of Covid-19 is based on two factors: 1) How dense the population is. 2. How dense the population is.
I had to laugh at this e-mail I received today from an advertising firm.
I'm writing you today with unfortunate news. Along with everyone else, we have been closely watching the evolving COVID19 situation around the globe. After holding out hope as long as we could, we have come to the conclusion that the best thing to do for our extended family right now including our clients, staff and community - is to cancel Optimism 2020.
Optimism is the name of their annual e-commerce event. So now, it's official - Optimism has been cancelled for 2020.
- At first I thought I had the virus because I couldn't breathe. Then I unbuttoned my pants and it was all OK.
- Everything for summer has been cancelled. Let's just put up our Christmas tree and call it a year.
- Homeschooling is having some issues. Two students were suspended for fighting and one teacher got fired for drinking on the job.
- One child added: "I hope I don't have the same teacher next year."
- This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into the house, told my dog...we laughed a lot.
- Why don't some insects get coronavirus? Because they have ant-y-bodies.
- Yeah, I have plans tonight. I'll probably hit the living room around 8 or 9.
- Why didn't the sick guy get the joke? It flu over his head.
- Corona beer is changing its name because of the virus but I don't think Ebola Extra was a good choice
- Have you had to wear glasses and a mask at the same time because of Covid-19? You may be entitled to condensation.
- The nurse called back to the doctor, saying there was a man in the waiting room, who claimed that he had Covid-19 and was now invisible. The doctor replied; "Tell him, I can't see him today."
- How tough is Chuck Norris? Chuck Norris has been exposed to the Coronavirus. The virus is now in quarantine for a month.
- Dating in 2020: I'm not breaking up with you, I'm just social distancing.
- One unforeseen side effect of quarantine is that it's really hard to end phone calls. I used to say "OK I have to run" but now they know I have nowhere to run to.
- I sneezed in the bank today, it was the most attention I have received from the staff in the last 10 years.
- During the Middle Ages they celebrated the end of the plague with wine and orgies. Does anyone know if they have anything like this planned for when this one ends? Asking for a friend.
- With all the problems going on in the world today, aliens probably ride past Earth and lock their doors.
- I asked Alexa what the weather will be this weekend. She replied back "Why? Where do you think you're going?"
- The rule requiring masks has been a boon for ventriloquists. Nobody can see their lips move.
- I told my suitcases that because of the pandemic there will be no vacation this year. Now I am dealing with emotional baggage.
Looking for a good read? Check out my book Murder in the Cultural Gardens. It's a whodunit mystery that takes place in all 30 of the Cleveland Cultural Gardens (and a few other Cleveland locations).
- I was going to get tested for the virus but when I pulled in to the parking lot and saw the sign that said "Covid Testing in the Rear" I did a U-turn. I thought the test was supposed to be a nasal swab.
- How am I doing? Well I just wiped down the bleach container with a Lysol wipe. I'm fine… Everything is fine.
- Here's me (sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) "I can't see you anymore. I'm not going to let you hurt me like this again." Then my trainer responded "It was a sit up. You did one sit up."
- Luckily there has been no shortage of toilet paper. In fact, the Terminator found a bunch at the store. Know where? (wait for it….) Aisle B, Back
The American Medical Association debated whether the country should be re-opened. Here are the results by medical specialty:
- The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
- The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.
- Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception, while the Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
- Many Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!"
- While the Pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!"
- Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.
- Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow.
- The Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole new face on the matter."
- The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.
- Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and those lofty Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no
- In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the (fill in the blank) in Washington.
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Back to the Pundemics
Here's some good advice. Treat your mask like underwear.
- A new and easy test for COVID-19 is making the rounds and it's simple, quick and positive (or negative if you see what I mean). Take a glass and pour a decent dram of your favorite whisky (gin or rum) into it. Then see if you can smell it, if you can then you are halfway there. Then drink it and if you can taste it then it is reasonable to assume you are currently free of the virus. I tested myself 12 times last night and was virus free every time, thank goodness. I will have to test myself again today though, as I have developed a headache which can also be one of the symptoms.
- My friend saw my world map and then gave me a dart and said, "Throw this and wherever it lands-that's where we'll go when this pandemic ends." Turns out, we're spending two weeks behind the fridge.
- Why did the chicken cross the road? Because the chicken behind it didn't know how to socially distance properly.
- Which classical music composer got the coronavirus? DryCoughsky
- Motivational Approach in 2019: Avoid Negative People. In 2020: Avoid Positive people
- I don't think anyone expected that when we changed the clocks earlier this year we'd go from Standard Time to the Twilight Zone.
- After COVID-19 we will have to wear our masks backwards for a few months to get our ears back in place.
- Christmas is going to be in January since Santa has to quarantine for 14 days when he arrives in the country.
- Two grandmothers were bragging about their precious darlings. One of them says to the other, "Mine are so good at social distancing, they won't even call me."
- All yoga instructors are now under nama-stay-at-home orders.
- 6 months ago a man stumbles across a genies bottle and is granted three wishes. He tells the genie "I am a simple man. All I wish for is to spend more time with my family, have a shorter commute and a case of Corona"
- If I keep stress-eating at this level, the buttons on my shirt will start socially distancing from each other.
- Knock knock. Who is there? Seriously, don't touch my door and get back 6 meters to social distance.
- Back in my day, you would cough to cover up passing gas. Now, with COVID-19, you pass gas to cover up a cough.
- How do bees keep safe at home during a Corona lockdown?
Stay in a hive!
Stay in a hive!
Ah, ah, ah, ah
Stay in a hiiiiiiiiiiiive....
- Why can't people in Antarctica get the corona virus? Because they're ice-olated.
- Staying home has brought back a lot of childhood memories. Remember when you were little you could just rip off your diaper and run around naked and everyone thought it was so cute and funny? Anyway, I need bail money.
- After years of wanting to thoroughly clean my house but lacking the time, this week I discovered that wasn't the reason.
- Whose idea was it to sing "Happy Birthday" while washing your hands? Now every time I go to the bathroom, my kids expect me to walk out with a cake.
- Day 5 of Homeschooling: One of these little monsters called in a bomb threat.
- An epidemiologist, an ICU doctor and a scientist all walk into a bar. I'm just kidding. They know better.
- I'm not adding this year to my age. I didn't use it.
- The steamy romance novel written during the pandemic will go something like this: "And then she slowly slipped her mask down revealing her nose and then her lips. As their eyes met, he gently removed his gloves…"
- I tried going to a restaurant. I went to the bathroom and washed my hands for 20 seconds. I opened the door with my elbow and raised the toilet seat with my foot. I switched on the faucet with a tissue. Opened the door to leave with my elbow. When I got back to the table I realized… I forgot to pull up my pants.
- Quarantine can only go 4 ways. You will emerge as a monk, a hunk, a chunk or a drunk. Choose wisely.
- If you ever used a rotary phone - stay home. You are in the high risk group.
- So you're staying inside, practicing social distancing and cleaning yourself? Congratulations. You've become a house cat.
- Someone just used my driveway to turn around and now I'm standing at the door with two open beers and a lonely face.
- Do not touch or adjust (especially in public)
- Do not borrow or lend
- Make sure it fits tight but is comfortable
- Make sure it's clean (daily as needed)
- Wear the right side out
- If there's holes, throw it away
- If it's stained, throw it away
- If it's damp, change it
At first I thought I had Covid because I couldn't breathe. Then I unbuttoned my pants and it was all OK.
In 20 years when kids ask about the 2020 toilet paper shortage, I'm telling them we had to drag our butt's across the lawn. In the snow. Uphill. Both ways.
Now that I've lived through an actual plague I totally understand why Italian Renaissance paintings are full of naked fat people laying on couches
I finally ventured out and went to a grocery store - on an empty stomach no less. I am now the proud owner of Aisle 4.
Pretty wild how we used to eat birthday cake after someone had blown on it… Good times.
If some people from 2020 were on the Titanic you'd hear… "You can't make me wear a life vest!"
Enough of this sedentary quarantine. I might wake up early tomorrow morning and go running. I also might wake up and win the lottery. The odds are about the same.
Bad pun alert! An Indian bakery was handing out bread to help relieve people affected by corona. I'm pretty sure they were naan profit. Ba da dum! You were warned.
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